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In breaking news sweeping the internet, Willy Wonka has been brought in by authorities on numerous charges. Allegations against the world-famous candy maker range from Child Labor Laws and Endangering children to unpaid taxes and pyramid scamming. He may be going a way for a very long time.
The feds began tracking Wonka when he mysteriously shut down the factory three years ago. He claimed his chief rival Arthur Slugworth was trying to get his secret recipes. The truth behind the matter was Wonka was several years behind on paying his income taxes and quite a bit of alimony to his ex-wife Mrs. Nelly Wonka. He needed the fuzz off his tale, and quickly.
After three years, the original employees knew too much and didn’t return. Instead, he started hiring minors without a permit, and painted them to make them look like Oompa Loompa’s. All this leading to a “Golden Ticket” scam that led to massive free advertising with little to no payoff to the winners. In fact, a golden ticket led to nothing but heartache and misfortune for all involved.
Augustus Gloop fell into a chocolate river and with no lifeguards present, was forced into a pipe. Evidence would later come out that his mother actually thought she was sending him to a fat camp and was quite pleased with his new physique.
Violet Beauregarde was brought in for a tour because of her remarkable gum chewing skills. Wonka tricked her into eating a three course meal flavored gum, knowing full well it would turn Violet, well,,,, Violet! She was nothing more than a test rat in Wonka’s horrid game of chance.
Veruca “Bad Egg” Salt and Mike Tevee also met with terrible results on the tour as it was one “mis-fortune” after another. Tevee was exploited as a lazy television obsessed American male while Mr. Salt was convicted of insider trading with Wonka shortly after all of this went down.
The only one to profit from this mess was young Charlie Bucket whose family comes with a wrap sheet a mile long as well. His grandfather Joe Bucket who had been laying in a bed for 20 years collecting disability suddenly had all the energy of a young taut Swedish boy upon learning of the tour. How did no one think to question that? Get a job Joe!
While fans of the story want to make Charlie the hero, we see him as a glutinous little boy quite frankly. He finds money in a gutter and instead of using it to buy actual food or clothes for his widowed mother, he buys himself a candy bar. That’s no hero folks!
In perhaps the biggest swerve of all, scientists have found that the Everlasting Gobstopper was nothing more than a marble dipped in flavoring.
We tried to reach Wonka for comment but he was unwilling to speak or even sing. We’ll continue to track this story as it develops.
