by Experiencing the One Pain I Never Expected
I still had the acid reflux and the hard spot in my neck, which was causing left shoulder pain. Sometimes my whole left arm would go numb but those were the only two complaints I could really have on a daily basis. I had been seeing a chiropractor as well as a massage therapist and they were certainly helping with the situation. For the first time, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was so excited to feel like the end of the struggle was near.
My extremely busy girlfriend started acting differently and around the second week of February, she began to really separate herself. It flipped in the matter of a day in my eyes and I started to panic and worry constantly. I was a wreck and my health took a drastic hit because of it. My anxiety was ramping up because it was obvious that something was wrong. I did not understand what was happening because our relationship had not suffered any major strains.
On Valentine’s Day, I was scheduled to be the play-by-play for my first wrestling broadcast. She was supposed to come over, then we were going out to an early dinner, then she was coming to wrestling with me before spending the rest of the night watching chick flicks.
I bought a bunch of those fake candles with the on/off switch on the bottom and lined the hallway. I took 600 fake red and pink rose peddles and scattered them inside the path and created a big heart shape at the end. Next to the heart sat a card in which I practically wrote a book. Also sitting there was her favorite, chocolate covered grapes which she prefers over chocolate covered strawberries. But why is this part so important to the story? It’s because I was so focused on her and our relationship that I was forgetting about me.
I was more nervous for Valentine’s Day than our first date due to the situation. I tortured myself with doubt and uncertainty and then worked so hard to put everything together. I was so terrified that she was done with me. When she saw what all I did, she was appreciative and despite some minor awkward tension, everything seemed to be good.
I had myself so worked up that at the restaurant, I could only manage a couple bites before I had to hurry to the restroom. I threw up for the first time in nearly a month and a half. It had been my longest stretch without getting sick since last May, but I had allowed myself to regress again. The rest of Valentine’s Day went fine and over the weekend, I regained some confidence that everything would be okay and we would bounce back. The next week would prove that to be wrong.
Once the breakup happened, I felt blindsided even though I sensed the possibility of it. I should have ended it to protect my own health. I cared about her though and because of being a fighter, I wanted to fight for us despite my fate already being sealed.
I felt so stupid because I had fallen hard and adored this girl; not for what she did for me in the past but for who she was as a person. Not only did I look at her as smart, beautiful and caring, but I saw her as my accountability partner. She was pushing me to pursue God even at moments when she did not realize it. I thanked Him every day for placing her in my life and had told my closest friends that I was confident that she was the one. I had fully vested and desired a future with her.
There I was facing heartbreak. It was practically the only pain I had not faced during my year filled with struggles. I had not braced myself for it and did not expect to have my heart broken. Right there I could have turned away from God but I didn’t. I knew I needed Him and He would help guide me and heal the pain.
