by (photo caption: behind closed doors – what others saw in public)
The Lowest of Lows
June and July were the worst months of my life. Sure, like all months there were good moments, but overall it beat me down. At this point, I was living off of Ensure Protein Shakes and little bites of food here and there. I was continuously seeing many medical professionals to figure out what was wrong.
Doctors were always looking at me and noticing that I was miserable, yet all of my tests would come back showing I was perfectly healthy. When they would test for one thing, it would be ruled out and then they would move on to the next thing.
For a while we just kept going down the list and eliminating pretty much everything. It was not until the end of June that my PTSD was finally diagnosed. My whole body hurt and it was getting worse. To try and reduce symptoms, I was given many different medications. Unfortunately for me, the side effects made me feel worse and adding the medicine to my empty stomach made it feel like a big ball of acid. I was so dizzy all the time and extremely tired. I probably shouldn’t have even been driving in my condition due to the constant fog in my head.
Due to my misery and pain, I only left my apartment for doctors’ appointments, Cleveland SC games or work with 19 News. I also usually threw up each time before leaving and then would mask how I was feeling prior to walking out the door. I found myself experiencing depression. While others were enjoying the sunshine and warm weather, I sat on the couch or in my bed. I never just hung out with friends anymore.
My 22nd birthday was coming up and my parents were planning on having some family and friends over to celebrate. I made the trip back to spend my birthday with my parents but I did not want to celebrate with others simply because I did not want to be seen in my condition at the time. I had already struggled eating alone but trying to eat around other people gave me anxiety I never had before.
I remember from that party that just the smells of the food made me nauseous. After a couple bites of food I found myself once again in the bathroom practically hiding from everyone. Once I came out, I spent the rest of the afternoon on my back, sprawled out on the floor of the living room. I was shaking and couldn’t stop. My heart was racing and even my face was twitching. The saddest part is that I was lonely and depressed in my apartment yet struggled around other people out of fear that my body would shut down on me.
The same guy that was admiring himself in the mirror at the beginning of April, now hated to look at himself in the mirror. I was ashamed of what I had become…
I was quickly losing weight and muscle. It was devastating because I had worked so hard to gain all of that. I still wanted to fight like I have always done but I had finally become incapable of fighting because I was so broken and weak.
I hit the point that I wanted to die. Everything felt broken but I was holding onto my will to live. It is the only thing that didn’t break. I was never going to take my own life but sometimes I just hoped when I went to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up again.
I still felt God pulling at my heart occasionally and calling me back to Him. I would occasionally pray for Him to look out for me since it seemed like I was not actually going to die. I needed help getting through this rock bottom part of my life. I even opened the Bible a couple times but it never stuck because I lacked the motivation to stay with it.
At the beginning of July, the Indians hosted the MLB All-Star game for the first time since I was a couple weeks old in 1997. I spent most of All-Star week outside of Progressive Field where 19 News had a live set for their shows. It was so much fun. My only happiness in life was coming from my work with 19 and Cleveland SC.
My immune system had been fighting so hard at this point that everything seemed to pile on into a big mess. In addition to the PTSD, anxiety, depression, dizziness and body aches, my seasonal allergies hit an all-time high and I developed a skin infection on my back. I also developed tonsillitis with tonsil stones forming and a hard spot started to form in the left side of my neck. I felt like I was being attacked because my whole body had something going on. The worst part is that it was all at once.
This summer was also one filled with weddings for many of my close high school friends. Prior to the incident, I was so excited to see all of them several times over the course of the summer and to celebrate with them. At this point, the thought of weddings and eating around large groups of people led to my body shutting down. My right ear would tingle each time and I suffered from nausea at every single wedding reception.
Some days I was able to mask it better than others but I had to be a bit of a stick in the mud just to get through the evening. I could not dance or celebrate like I wanted because I had no energy. I felt so horrible that I probably just seemed off or withdrawn. They had no idea what was going on in my head and that I felt like I was at rock bottom.
In many ways I wish I could go and live those weddings over again, but unfortunately I can’t and that opportunity to enjoy those fully was stripped away from me. All of the good things around me through June and July felt like negatives were always strapped to them.
